What is gossip?
Human beings are social creatures. We rely on living in community, and communion. We not only crave
relationship with, and acceptance from, others to feel good but we need it to survive. We rely on
farmers to grow food, on doctors to care for us if we’re sick, on teachers to pass along the knowledge
that we need, and more. We need others for game, sport, trade, love, work and all of the things that
make up life abundant.
We communicate with others primarily by talking. We talk to do business, we talk to teach and learn,
and we talk for social interaction. We all have varying levels of needing and wanting to talk to others.
Some people love their quiet alone time to get chores done or relax and read a book. Some people are
downright chatty and if they don’t have someone nearby to talk to, they’ll call around to socialize and
check in with people.
When people engage in talk just to pass the time, that talk can be positive or negative. If it is positive,
the talk is focused on good news, it offers hope, it encourages, inspires, and leaves both parties feeling
empowered, hopeful, and uplifted. That is good talk.
When talk is negative, it focuses on bad news and may include things like embarrassment, judgement or
hurt feelings. Negative talk often includes talk about someone who isn’t part of the conversation. It
offers feelings of victimization or powerlessness, hopelessness, sadness and anger.
When talk is negative, it is called gossip.
Why do people gossip?
Research studies indicate that there are 5 main reasons why people gossip.
1. Insecurity/Superiority - Known as the Narcissistic Swing (or Disfunction). Some people have
developed, for any number of reasons, low self-esteem or uncertainty about their own abilities or value.
In some cases, when a person feels insecure about how others see or value them, gossiping can create a
temporary feeling of superiority or empowerment. To share negative talk with another person about
someone who isn’t present may cause an insecure person to feel strength and power.
2. Emotional Sadism – When someone engages in gossip that is demeaning to others, questions or
attacks their value or performance, and comes off as unnecessarily harsh and judgemental, it can be
very hurtful to others. Some people enjoy knowing that others are in pain, and that they have the power
to cause pain for others.
3. Boredom – When people don’t have anything really interesting, new, or exciting to talk about, they
may find that negative talk can generate other people’s interest.
4. Anxiety – If people are worried about things, and tend toward having a worrier personality, the mind
may focus on things that they are hurt by or afraid of. That can spiral into a habit or obsession with assuming the worst about others and talking about the worst things that the mind imagines about
others.
5. To be accepted by a group – If someone feels lonely or left out of a group, one way to become
included is to find a “common enemy” to talk about. Engaging in negative talk about a group of people
or one person can create a feeling of bonding and acceptance.
How can we cope with gossip?
If you feel like the negativity around you is getting to be a lot, there are some strategies that can help
you.
1. Refocus a conversation – If you notice yourself starting to feel the effects of negative talk (listed
above), then immediately refocus the conversation happening around you. Focus on some empowering
or hopeful thing that is going on. If you cannot encourage others to move from gossip into positive talk,
be direct. State how the conversation is making you feel, and that you’d rather talk about something
hopeful or encouraging.
2. Address gossipers directly – If you are hearing that someone is gossiping about you and spreading
demeaning or hurtful rumours, address that person directly and tell them how you feel. Most people
who gossip do not expect to be addressed or held accountable for their actions, and may not realize the
impact that their gossip has on you. Be assertive and address this person and tell them that they are
causing you pain. Ask them to stop.
3. Realize that it isn’t about you – If someone is gossiping about you, it’s not about you. It’s about them.
When people engage with others in negative talk, it is because they enjoy doing it. They get something
from the behavior that feels good. Whatever they are saying is a projection of their own personality
dynamics.
The Christian Response
Throughout our gospel stories, Jesus reminds us of his one commandment: That we love our
neighbours.
It’s very simple. Engaging in negative talk about others is not how we show love of neighbour, and
allowing others to engage in negative talk, judgment, or rumour sharing is also not how we show love.
The golden rule states it just slightly differently: That we should do to others exactly as we want others
to do to us. That never includes engaging in or letting others continue with gossip.
As Christians, we have a responsibility to remind one another of this. Refocus and ask the question: NOT
“WWJD” or What Would Jesus Do? – Many people sarcastically sidestep that question by simply saying
“I’m not Jesus.” But instead ask this question: What would Jesus ask of you in this moment? And if people are confused about how to answer that, spend some time with them. Pick up a Bible and offer to
sit down with them and explore it. It won’t hurt you to look into scripture with another person and talk
about what God is calling us to do and be. That’s called church. Do it.
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